Let's scream until there's nothing left

I think part of the reason I don't get the help I need is because I can't express my emotions. I genuinely cannot express when I experience pain. I hide the fact that I'm in pain. I can't really deal with it but I still hide it because I physically can't express it. I'm also not used to people actally caring and taking me seriously. Usually it's just my parents telling me "oh well, we all have pain, now get up you're being dramatic". I'm not fucking being dramatic. I phsically cannot express my pain because I cannot speak.
In other news, I realised you can download ao3 works as .epub files. I've imported these onto my ereader, so now I have a copy of unholyverse offline with me! Speaking of unholyverse...you should all read it...I'd also recommend The Anatomy of a Fall - that is, of if you're into mcr fanfiction. Tbh you can read either with no mcr knowledge. The characters seem more mcr shaped than the actual people.

- roman (i recently realised freaking mikeyway named his kid rowan which is the superior version of my name because w is objectively a better and much cooler letter than m)

Because I'm sick of thinking about exams, here's a list of things I want to do once GCSE s are over:
Sleep. Literally just sleep for a whole week, paint my drum kit, dream about sixth form, write a letter about how much I dislike my school to hand to my headteacher of results day, just summer walks man. im so excited for summer, picnics in the woods with my friends, going to town with my friends, drawing, reading books which i havent had time to read so have just been piling up on my desk, clear out all my gcse books and notes, sew cool stuff, buy new clothes for sixth form, go out cycling more, finally write my book, make up more ocs, draw mcr and stuff, customise my clothing, watch movies until 1am, stay up as late as I want, bake and find new recipes, did I mention sleep?

- salad boy

I'm feeling slightly better now. I completely failed my physics exam and I think that should be bothering me, but it isn't. I know I can get the grades. I still have a few months and I'll be happy with anything above a 6. The only reason I wanted to get 9s was because of my parents. Now I realise, it's not their life. It's mine. And if I'm happy with it, who gives a shit what they think? I've decided to not give a single fuck what they think about me anymore. As long as I get into the school I want and get the grades I'm happy with, then their sour mood about me not living up to their expectations won't affect me. It's irrelevant to my life and I'll move on, whether they like it or not.

When I get home I'm going to bake some vegan shortbread. I'm excited about that.

Yesterday, I got back from a trip to Seville, Spain. I really enjoyed the trip, but the flights were very stressful, especially because we were flying with Ryanair. Word of advice, if you want to fly budget, whatever you do, DO NOT fly with Ryanair. The ceiling of the plane leaked freaking water. We called the flight attendant and she told up, "you'll be fine, it's just the air conditioning leaking." And hands us a tissue to stuff in the ceiling.
We stayed in a hostel, and there was a creepy guy hanging around the hostel. He kept trying to talk to us and find out what school we were from. We're an all-girls school, which made it very clear what he was trying to do. He knew we were all minors and underage, but still kept trying to talk to us and "take us on a trip of Spain". My brother said that he was probably trying to take us to his private island. One of the teachers got in his face and yelled at him to leave us alone because we're all minors and he cannot talk to us. He left, but still kept trying to hang around. This is why I don't trust cis men.

- R

I wonder about what happened to me. Why everything feels so wrong and strange. Do I wish that everything was easier? Yeah. I really do. I wish I was neurotypical. I wish I wasn't an addict. I wish I could actually open up. I wish I wasn't gay. I wish I wasn't trans. I wish I wasn't mixed race. I wish I was white-passing. I wish I wasn't descriminated against and felt like i had to change myself.
I like being different. Don't get me wrong. But it's just so fukcing tiring sometimes to ignore all the people saying bullshit about me. Honestly, it's the 21st century. Mixed race children exist. This isn't fucing apartheid. I don't feel like not being white-passing should make you treat me any differently. People who's fashion sense isn't basic black and white clothing exist. I love looking like alternative culture and queer culture - the problem is other people. There's only so many wierd looks and whispered comments I can take. Seriously, just be more accepting. Stop caring about how other people look. It's not that fucking hard. And it's none of your fucking business.
Focus on youself. Don't concern yourself with the noise. Ignore all those fuckers who tell you that you're never going to be anything. You're perfect the way you are.

- Rome

Can you even hear me? Is anybody out there listening to me or am I just screaming into the endless vortex of the internet? But more importantly, which one of these premises makes me feel better? Do I even want to be heard? Regardless, putting my thoughts out there and knowing that maybe, possibly, there is someone out there listening. Watching and understanding. I don't think I really mind, to be honest. You don't know me, but what compels you to keep reading?

I'm just a silly guy in some obscure corner of the internet yapping abou anything and everything. You're going to see a lot of My Chemical Romance related posts as they are my current hyperfixtion and a band who honestly have saved my life. I've been suicidal, but their music was able to reach me in a dark time and they are part of the reason I am pursuing a career in music. I decided to start an online journal/blog because of that fucker Pete Wentz and the sheer amount of blogs and journals he has. Strangely, I understand the appeal.

Most of the time here, I don't actually have anything of value to say but I keep talking anyway. I just yap about whatever. And that feels really nice. I'm usually shit at communication but writing words is different.

- RAM