Let's scream until there's nothing left

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know anything. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. My dad keeps talking about university, but I don't even know if I want to go. I can't say that though. It'll just be the same "you're going to end up working in Tesco" and "we just want what's best for you" bullshit. I think I should know what's best for me since I'm the one in my head. But apparently that doesn't count because I'm a child. I don't deserve to be listened to.

I want to work im the music industry, I think. But I don't know how i can justify that to my parents. Maybe I don't have to. It's my life for fucks sake. I love music so much. I don't think anything brings me as much joy as listening to and creating music. I think it's worth it. Even if I'm shittily paid. Surely, doing what you love and actually wanting to wake up and go to work in the morning beats the paycheck. If one more person tells me that I need to get a job that makes loads of money I might lose it.

I don't know what I want with my life. I don't know if I want to get married or have children or even have sex. But everyone just keeps expecting me to do that. I think my parents will think there's something wrong with me if I tell them I don't want to ever get married. The concept is just too scary. I can't do that. Commit myself to a singular person. Because what if they turn out to be a horrible person. Or they aren't the "one", whatever that means. My friend told me that there isn't such thing as "the one", but surely that just complicates this even more. How do I know I'm making the right choice. Im just so terrified of messing up.

- Rom

I wonder about what happened to me. Why everything feels so wrong and strange. Do I wish that everything was easier? Yeah. I really do. I wish I was neurotypical. I wish I wasn't an addict. I wish I could actually open up. I wish I wasn't gay. I wish I wasn't trans. I wish I wasn't mixed race. I wish I was white-passing. I wish I wasn't descriminated against and felt like i had to change myself.
I like being different. Don't get me wrong. But it's just so fukcing tiring sometimes to ignore all the people saying bullshit about me. Honestly, it's the 21st century. Mixed race children exist. This isn't fucing apartheid. I don't feel like not being white-passing should make you treat me any differently. People who's fashion sense isn't basic black and white clothing exist. I love looking like alternative culture and queer culture - the problem is other people. There's only so many wierd looks and whispered comments I can take. Seriously, just be more accepting. Stop caring about how other people look. It's not that fucking hard. And it's none of your fucking business.
Focus on youself. Don't concern yourself with the noise. Ignore all those fuckers who tell you that you're never going to be anything. You're perfect the way you are.

- Rome