You are all the same

I wrote a poem in science, today. I'll type it up and post it on here later.
I just want to be done. But I can't be, not yet.

I'm so tired. Of everything. But I must keep going, it seems.
I was going to say more. But I'm going to try and get sleep, I think.

When my heart starts to flutter like a trapped butterfly, I know I'm still alive.

-A witch

Today I'm in a good mood. Crazy, I know, but I'm going to take advantage of that and write a silly entry to read back on when I'm feeling angsty again.

So. My book.
We have five main characters. Our main girl is Jona Dutiko.

There is much to be said about Jona. She is a dragon rider, like almost all of our main cast. Her soul bound dragon is a sleepy gal called Johara.
Jona is not built to be the main character. Like she is, she has powers and is very capable of the duties placed on her, but... She don't wanna. She's too busy trying to keep the friend group afloat because they are all main characters in a fantasy book and you know how that can go... None of them are built for this but they're trying. So yeah Jona can't be bothered but she has a sense of responsibility thank goodness so she will don't worry :)
She's very calm, very neutral in a lot of situations. Her powers a emotion based, basically meaning she can sense the emotions of those around her. Like all at once. It's incredibly overwhelming in large group settings so she has a tendency to disassociate or just...avoid thinking about anything and shoves it all down...so healthy! She is very good at a special kind of martial art from her home country called gurikan, which basically means she has amazing balance.
She grew up on a farm, very peaceful past with really lovely parents. The most trauma she really had pre plot was her best friend Chaeyu crashing into a mirror when they were kids and Jona immediately left to become a dragon rider after without saying anything.... But they fixed it after a single conversation so it's fine :)

Okay I'm gonna stick to theme of characters from Spiavall cause there are quite a few, and I shall speak of Chaeyu

Chaeyu is my bbg. She isn't actually a dragon rider, but rather the storyteller of her community, so she is extremely well versed on mythology and leads important festivals. When she was a child she convinced Jona to help her make a rope swing in their families barn that they shared, and swung from the rafters. She then proceeded to crash into a massive old mirror left there, and became entirely blind in her left eye, and partly blind in her right eye. But she slays either way.
Chaeyu is very sweet, upfront and friendly. Her main issue is a minor cigarette addiction but she's trying to quit I swear just trust (cigarette out the window the Chaeyu Jona song fr.)
She will eventually be Jona's girlfriend yayyy


Anyways I was gonna do more but I'm eepy so later :)))

-Mimi

Sometimes I wonder
How it feels
To taste every emotion as it comes and be okay
To not be overwhelmed by feeling
To not be stolen of my words before I can express why.

Sometimes I wonder
How it feels
To be able to identify every emotion and accept them
To know why, when, how
To not be robbed of my voice before I can articulate it.

Sometimes I wonder
How it feels
To feel
To have a soul full of love and joy and frustration
To not be left as an empty husk, crying on the ground for no reason at all.

Sometimes I wonder
If we experience any real emotions
Anymore, that is
Maybe we just feel the constructs of society
The expectations that overwhelm our original complexity.

I wonder if it matters
I wonder if we are doing okay
I wonder if we'll take back the global warming of our minds
The man-made destruction of passion.

And, I say I yearn for things
But maybe I just want to not be a shell of flesh
Blood and skin
Bone and cells
Soft and tender, bruising under touch

Sometimes
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder if I could take a pear
And taste it in full
Every sensor in my brain sending up sparks

But I don't eat pears.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too set in my ways
To change
But I am kept around by the ones I love
And they love me too
So
Maybe it is okay
Maybe I can keep wondering a while longer.

I only have one mock exam left. Then it will all be for real.
Today, I had two exams. Afterwards, I lay down on the ground in my teacher's room at lunch. I started to cry, and I don't know why. I wasn't sad.
I've not really felt an emotion all week. Everything is just dull and grey.

Eventually, I started getting heart palpitations. I was almost relieved, because it meant I had a valid reason to ask for help. My friends came quickly after that.
I ended up getting a migraine and being sent home early, but there were only 40 minutes left of the day, so I don't feel guilty about it.

I need help, but I'm so close to half term. Then I can just...be quiet for a while. Maybe I'll research depression more.

I spend my nights lit up by a screen. It makes me feel like I don't exist anymore except for the words I feed into a screen, and I like it.

Maybe I'll write poetry again. If I do then I'll post it on here.